In the Shadows

Tis the season to be crabby. Fa la la la la.

I’ve been thinking about stress and how it comes about. For me, it’s the pressure to complete what I set out to do. In October, I vowed to post new content every week and did well with it until recently. I was disappointed I didn’t contribute last week and am late this one. This is a self-imposed deadline, so the only person I’m disappointing is myself. But, I am my worst critic, as many others can claim.

Holiday stress is upon us now. We spend the last two months of the year in a mad scramble to get dozens of things done. And they are always extra things on top of our already hectic lives. The marathon to New Year’s Day begins around when Daylight Saving Time ends and we’re suddenly plunged into darkness earlier each day. I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time motivating when it’s 9pm at 4:30.

This year has been challenging for everyone. Many of us are stuck in the mud of depression and there are times it feels more like quicksand. I’ve been crying over the most insignificant things and my fuse has been shorter than in recent memory. I can’t go on like this. It’s not good for me and it’s not good for those who have to deal with me. They have their own obstacles to tackle.

Last Sunday I participated in a New Moon Circle through Zoom. I never thought a virtual Circle could work, but it was fantastic. The only thing it lacked was the ability to exchange contact information with the others. During Circle, I was reminded of the benefits of living with the rhythm of nature. During November and December, we all blame the endless gift acquiring, postal deadlines, celebratory meal planning, and cooking for those meals. Indeed, all of that is stressful. But what if we actually slowed down and took time for ourselves while the Earth beds down for the winter? Scheduling time for yourself may just seem like another thing on your to-do list. The expectations we make for ourselves are just as stressful as those imposed on us.

In Earth-based spiritual paths, the darker half of the year is meant for what’s called shadow work. It sounds mystical and all woo, but the major players in psychological theory, mainly Jung and Freud, recognize the shadow self as the unconscious. Granted, this is an over-simplification of the idea, and yes, I’m aware of the problematic aspects of the theorists I’m citing.

Shadow work is an introspective practice with the goal of understanding oneself better. We are constantly changing, sometimes for the better, other times we regress, so introspection is always needed to understand where the path is leading. It allows a chance to change directions or reaffirm commitment. For most people, introspection requires quiet time alone. Even in a pandemic where we’re supposed to be socially distancing from each other, adequate conditions for reflection are difficult to come by while the Holiday Madness Marathon is in full swing.

The schedules we keep this time of year are unnatural. To be conservative in my guessing, we’re up at 7am and go down near 11pm year round. We may be up with the sun, but still have a good five to seven hours of activity after it sets. Our responsibilities make it impossible to end our day when it grows dark, and there isn’t much we can do about that. I doubt an employer would understand “my internal clock says it’s time to go home.” In the interest of honoring the natural deceleration of the year, I’m dropping out of the annual marathon. I want to reconnect with myself on a spiritual level. Examine what I’m feeling and why. Set my sights on how I wish to live, and how I’ll affect the world around me. I don’t know *how* I’ll do this just yet. But the need is there and I’ve vowed during Circle to listen to what my soul says I required to thrive.

Shadow work is a personal experience. For me it usually involves journaling beyond this blog, spending more time in the kitchen, and putting fairy lights up everywhere. My to-do list grows in some aspect and shrinks in another. Choosing things I want to do, rather than what’s expected, within reason. Bills need paying, laundry needs washing, drainboards need emptying… But cutting something off the to-do list gives me back a piece of my soul I never thought I lost.

I’ve reached the point in my writing when I have no idea how to wrap up this set of thoughts. I’m learning to accept these posts can’t be perfect. They are the thoughts I wish to share and thoughts are a work in progress. It’s easy for someone to tell you to let go of stress. If it were truly that simple to do, the self-help section of bookstores, libraries, and websites wouldn’t exist. I’m planning to give myself a break starting right now. I hope you can to.

Spend some time with yourself. Embrace your shadow so your light can shine brighter.

Mental Health In Fiction: Identical

I’m not sure how Ellen Hopkin’s IDENTICAL came to my attention. But. Um. Wow. I have thoughts and feelings about this book.

First, I have to admit I cringed at a novel written in verse, but Ms. Hopkins makes it WORK. The format is brilliant and beautiful to the point of jealousy. She burns images into your brain, which, given the subjects explored, is both good and bad. The genre is Young Adult, but it should have a long list of trigger warnings.

Note: from here on, this post will be nothing but spoilers and commentary.

IDENTICAL is told from the points of view of Kayleigh and Raeanne. They were the mirror twins of a prominent judge and politician. I say “were” because the plot twist revealed towards the end of the book I figured out by page 148. A car accident that plunged the family into turmoil is mentioned early on and a specific transition between Kayleigh and Raeanne’s narrative lead me to believe one twin died in the crash. There are clues sprinkled throughout — very reminiscent of The Sixth Sense, where once you know the secret, you realize all the micro-clues that support the Holy Moly moment.

But IDENTICAL isn’t narrated by a ghost. Kayleigh developed Dissociative Identity Disorder and her alter takes the form of her twin. DID isn’t on most people’s radar and will be surprised when it is revealed. But someone with DID is in my orbit and easier for me to recognize.

The depiction of DID is accurate in the sense there are two very distinct personalities with a smattering of similarities. What I find strange is Kayleigh is unaware of missing significant blocks of time. Her alter attends and cuts classes, but Kayleigh never wonders why she didn’t have history that day or week. It’s possible she has a vague sense of time passing or something “not being right”, but I didn’t catch either being expressed.

It’s not clear if Kayleigh’s DID results from the trauma of the accident or the sexual abuse she suffers at the hands of her father. I’m not certain it matters; Kayleigh has experienced enough trauma to justify every defense mechanism she has — and there are many. At times it feels like Ms. Hopkins is piling on as many disorders as possible, but maladaptive habits are rarely solo and there are two personalities to divide the various issues.

I’ve been concerned about the portrayal of mental health in works of fiction. IDENTICAL should be applauded for its unflinching and realistic portrayal of how trauma affects us. Sexual abuse victims and survivors often go to the extremes of avoiding connections with others (Kayleigh) or promiscuity (Raeanne). Substance abuse, binge eating, and cutting fill the void pain, shame, and guilt create. Alters help shoulder the burden of secrets and aid in their hosts’ resiliency.

Defense mechanisms are exactly that: defenses. Addressing the defense without touching the source doesn’t help anyone. Medication and love help, but neither conquers all, as too many books and movies would like us to believe. IDENTICAL concludes with Kayleigh getting the professional help she needs and extraction from the family whose behaviors are at the core of her defenses.

I definitely recommend IDENTICAL for understanding the root causes of disorders and how trauma can wreak havoc in our lives.

*I am not a mental health professional or an expert by any means. I base my comments on personal experiences with my own mental health and that of my friends.